Finality and Me

"I love the person I’ve become, because I fought hard to become her."

I am not the same person I was 12 years ago. 

Looking back, I see some of my mistakes, my missteps, and the faults in some of my logic.  And while I wish I could have avoided some of the pain, I wouldn’t be the same person today if I hadn’t gone through certain things.

Those challenges helped shape me.

~~~

The day I have waited for arrived this past week.

I didn't know it until Saturday afternoon.

Monday May 12, 2014 is when my divorce was officially final.  The one signature from a judge was completed, and with it the year of "waiting" was done.  I found out 5 days later... this past Saturday.  

Saturday was a day like any other Saturday... laundry, cleaning, finishing homework, getting my Sunday School lesson finalized... really exciting stuff.  The day before I had gone to the temple with my mom.  I always love my time spent there; it makes me so happy.  As I continue to seek for guidance in my life, I prayed for some answer on this paperwork... ANY kind of answer... has it really been submitted... is there another snag... I just wanted some feedback.  Little did I know that I was already divorced!  When I got the mail on Saturday afternoon, I saw the envelope from my lawyer.  I just figured it was some paperwork I had asked about.  Nope!  It was the actual finalized divorce decree.  I was more than shocked that it actually was done!

I was so excited I was practically bouncing.  And yet, the kids were the only ones home with me.  I couldn't show them my excitement over the end of my marriage to their dad.  Even though they understand the divorce (at least, as best as they can for their ages), I don't want to encourage poor feelings because of my own excitement.  So I texted a couple close friends (I had to tell someone) and waited for my parents to come home from work and the temple.  I was officially divorced/single. 

I celebrated with a trip to Wal-Mart and a McDonald's ice cream cone.

Yes, I'm a major party animal.  Now you know.

By Sunday evening, my euphoria had turned toward melancholy.  I do not regret my choices, I'm happier than I have been in years, I have peace in my life... but...  My reality of not being in limbo, not being tied to paperwork and questions and stress, hit me.  My situation was solidified in my mind.  I HAVE NO REGRETS.  But here I am, a single mom without a college degree, and few marketable skills.  I was supposed to be a stay-at-home mom.  I was supposed to have a husband who loved and supported me, in more ways than financially.  My situation is not what I had hoped for when I was getting married at the ripe-old-age of 19.  My options AT THIS VERY MOMENT are limited.  I cannot afford to live on my own, even though I would like to.  I don't qualify for the type of job that I am after.  This was not in my plans.  But however limited my options are right now, looking down the line, my options are wide open!

This year has been a process for me.  I did not go back to the person I was before I got married.  I don’t want to go back to the 19 year-old version of Emily.  Divorce sucks.  Period.  But I’m so much more sure of who I am, what I want, and how to be ME than I ever have been. 

At 19 I was anxious to “grow-up,” to be married, to get my life moving.  Looking back from my perspective now, I realize I wasn’t looking to grow-up in the sense of taking care of myself.  I was looking to grow-up in the sense of being married and moving out of my parent’s house (not that it was a bad place to live!). 

The 31 year-old version of Emily… that is still very much a work in progress… wants to be married again.  But I’m not looking for someone to “rescue” me, to pay my bills, to “take care” of me.  Don’t get me wrong… if the option to be married and be a stay-at-home mom arises in my future, it is still my dream job.  However: I need to be able to take care of myself!  I saw a quote somewhere to the effect of: "The trick is to find someone who complements you instead of completes you.  You need to be complete on your own."  That's what I'm working on.  And if it's in the Lord's plan for me to re-marry, he'll come along when the time is right.  For now I'll work on meeting my needs on my own.  

The helplessness that came from my divorce is not something I will go through again.  I gave up so much of myself, my wants, my dreams, my goals, my education, all in hopes of pleasing my husband and making things “stick.”  I know what I want and need from myself better now.  I need an education.  I need to be able to get a job that allows me to be a mom and a breadwinner.  I want to be kind, compassionate, forgiving, strong, brave, and capable. 

I’m a work in progress.  I’m a 31 year-old single mom college student.  I have struggles.  Some days are better than others.  But I love who I’ve become through my challenges.

I’m who I fought to become. 

Bombshells

April 15^th, the beloved Tax Day in the U.S., became the day of the Boston Marathon bombing this past year.  I remember hearing about it and thinking about the horror of such an experience.  I’ve never run a full marathon, but I run.  It was pretty scary to think that a scene like that could happen anywhere.  Why did they choose a race?

April 16^th, was the day my life blew to pieces with a bombshell from my husband.  The carnage of the Boston bombing was much different than that of my situation, but I will forever link the two events in my mind. 

This year has been a year of pain, struggle, and grief, but also one of healing, joy, and peace.  I have learned so much… about who I am, what I want out of life, and most importantly, more about the gospel and the Savior and Heavenly Father. 

My divorce (which, by the way, STILL has not been finalized by the court), was a long time in the making.  I struggle with writing about this topic, not because I am ashamed or want to hide things, but because I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I want a record of what it REALLY was like, but I don’t want my kids to one day read it and have my words cause them pain. 

Our marriage had been tough for years.  No matter what I did or tried or didn’t do, I couldn’t make things better.  Toward the end, I honestly thought that if we hadn’t been married in the temple, I wouldn’t want to stick with it.  Things were that bad.  I don’t want to paint my ex as a horrible man.  He does have good qualities.  But there were things that I could not help him with, beliefs that I could not change for him, anger that I could not calm.  I am by no means perfect… that’s not at all what I’m saying.  While we did have many good times, they were fewer and further apart by then. One person cannot be the only one fighting to fix things. 

That brought us to this day, one year ago.  It started out like any other.  It happened to be payday, so I was doing grocery shopping while he and Mason were home.  I came home to drop some things off before heading back out, but never did get around to finishing the shopping.  We had an argument.  Maybe he was waiting for just such a moment… I don’t know.  The words of “Here’s a bombshell for you…” changed my life.  The “shared” beliefs, the marriage covenants made in the temple, were no longer in the picture.  As simple as that, he did not believe the gospel of Jesus Christ to be true, and had not for most of our marriage.  My one reason of remaining had crumbled to the ground, there in our front yard with the freshly dug weeds and mowed grass.

But even after all of that, the decision to get a divorce was not a rash or easy decision.  For a full five days I thought of almost nothing else (somehow my kids were fed… hmmm…), studying the scriptures, praying, and attending the temple.  I received my answer, even though others may not make the same decision.  The decision to divorce was not simple, but it has proved to be the correct choice for my kids and myself.  I have seen many instances in my life to confirm that my choice was the right one. 

One year later I am happy.  There is still so much uncertainty to life.  I don’t know how I’ll manage to work and being a single mom, when that time comes, but for now I’m focusing on school.  I don’t know if I’ll remarry.  I certainly hope that I will have that chance, but now isn’t the time to worry about that.  This time is a time for healing and finding myself again.  I’m reminded of a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants, given to Joseph Smith as he was held in Liberty Jail:

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

My experience is nowhere near that dire!  Some days I may have felt that way, but in truth it was not as bad as the jaws of hell opening for me.  However, this EXPERIENCE, has been for my good.  I have come closer to my Savior.  I have learned to TRUST in the Lord.  I have learned more clearly how to receive answers to prayer.  It is often in our darkest times that we grow the most.  If only we could be more open to learning when we are prospering, right!?!?! 

I still have a long way to go, but I’m thankful for where I am today compared to one year ago.  Not that I want to go through another experience like this, but I’m glad for the good that has come of it.

From the Embers

Embers.

Have you ever watched a campfire burn down?  There is a beauty that comes with the end of the flames.  The embers, charred and rough on the outside, hide the fire that burns within.  You may get a peek at the flame as the fire settles and shifts.  What had been an inferno, painful to the logs, has died down, turning the once stout and strong wood to ash and embers. 

Embers.

They have the power to start a new fire if fanned correctly. 

Embers.

That is what I have found in my life. 

Last September, at the Relief Society session of General Conference, a talk was given by Linda S. Reeves, the second counselor in the Relief Society Presidency.  It was entitled, “Claim the Blessings of Your Covenants,” and you can read it (or watch) here.  This message resonated in my life.  I was going through a divorce after more than 11 years of marriage.  My life had changed drastically from the plan I had seen for myself.  There I sat, a single mom, struggling to make sense of where I had gone wrong. 

Sister Reeves talked of the old Tabernacle in Provo, Utah where fire had gutted the interior in 2010, but only 10 months later was announced by President Monson to be built into a new temple.  Because I cannot say it as well as she, here is an excerpt:

“Its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and Church members. Many wondered, “Why did the Lord let this happen? Surely He could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction.”

Ten months later, during the October 2011 general conference, there was an audible gasp when President Thomas S. Monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple—a house of the Lord! Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple—a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants.

My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally.

In Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4, the Lord tells us:

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

“For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory.”

Sisters, I testify that the Lord has a plan for each of our lives. Nothing that happens is a shock or a surprise to Him. He is all-knowing and all-loving. He is eager to help us, to comfort us, and to ease our pain as we rely on the power of the Atonement and honor our covenants. The trials and tribulation that we experience may be the very things that guide us to come unto Him and cling to our covenants so that we might return to His presence and receive all that the Father hath.”

As I sat in tears, attempting to not become a soggy, mascara-streaked mess, I knew that the Lord had plans for me.  This painful gutting of my life that had left me questioning what lay in store, was not a punishment, but an opportunity for growth.  I have potential!  I had watched as my life burned to the ground, but I could not see the design of our loving Heavenly Father for my life.  This I know: the Lord knows me and He has a plan for me.  I truly do feel closer to our loving God than I did before my life went up in flames.  For this, especially, I am thankful.

I still don’t know the plans in store for me.  But from those embers, glowing and smoldering from the gutting of my old life, my Heavenly Father will turn my tabernacle into a glorious temple.  I will fan those embers to burn away what is unneeded or unnecessary in my life.  I will by no means be perfect!  At least, not on my own I won’t.  It’s a process, and some days are better than others.  But, for me, I will work to look past the rough and charred outward appearance of the life I knew.  The glowing within the embers will be my focus; the beauty after the pain.