Finality and Me

"I love the person I’ve become, because I fought hard to become her."

I am not the same person I was 12 years ago. 

Looking back, I see some of my mistakes, my missteps, and the faults in some of my logic.  And while I wish I could have avoided some of the pain, I wouldn’t be the same person today if I hadn’t gone through certain things.

Those challenges helped shape me.

~~~

The day I have waited for arrived this past week.

I didn't know it until Saturday afternoon.

Monday May 12, 2014 is when my divorce was officially final.  The one signature from a judge was completed, and with it the year of "waiting" was done.  I found out 5 days later... this past Saturday.  

Saturday was a day like any other Saturday... laundry, cleaning, finishing homework, getting my Sunday School lesson finalized... really exciting stuff.  The day before I had gone to the temple with my mom.  I always love my time spent there; it makes me so happy.  As I continue to seek for guidance in my life, I prayed for some answer on this paperwork... ANY kind of answer... has it really been submitted... is there another snag... I just wanted some feedback.  Little did I know that I was already divorced!  When I got the mail on Saturday afternoon, I saw the envelope from my lawyer.  I just figured it was some paperwork I had asked about.  Nope!  It was the actual finalized divorce decree.  I was more than shocked that it actually was done!

I was so excited I was practically bouncing.  And yet, the kids were the only ones home with me.  I couldn't show them my excitement over the end of my marriage to their dad.  Even though they understand the divorce (at least, as best as they can for their ages), I don't want to encourage poor feelings because of my own excitement.  So I texted a couple close friends (I had to tell someone) and waited for my parents to come home from work and the temple.  I was officially divorced/single. 

I celebrated with a trip to Wal-Mart and a McDonald's ice cream cone.

Yes, I'm a major party animal.  Now you know.

By Sunday evening, my euphoria had turned toward melancholy.  I do not regret my choices, I'm happier than I have been in years, I have peace in my life... but...  My reality of not being in limbo, not being tied to paperwork and questions and stress, hit me.  My situation was solidified in my mind.  I HAVE NO REGRETS.  But here I am, a single mom without a college degree, and few marketable skills.  I was supposed to be a stay-at-home mom.  I was supposed to have a husband who loved and supported me, in more ways than financially.  My situation is not what I had hoped for when I was getting married at the ripe-old-age of 19.  My options AT THIS VERY MOMENT are limited.  I cannot afford to live on my own, even though I would like to.  I don't qualify for the type of job that I am after.  This was not in my plans.  But however limited my options are right now, looking down the line, my options are wide open!

This year has been a process for me.  I did not go back to the person I was before I got married.  I don’t want to go back to the 19 year-old version of Emily.  Divorce sucks.  Period.  But I’m so much more sure of who I am, what I want, and how to be ME than I ever have been. 

At 19 I was anxious to “grow-up,” to be married, to get my life moving.  Looking back from my perspective now, I realize I wasn’t looking to grow-up in the sense of taking care of myself.  I was looking to grow-up in the sense of being married and moving out of my parent’s house (not that it was a bad place to live!). 

The 31 year-old version of Emily… that is still very much a work in progress… wants to be married again.  But I’m not looking for someone to “rescue” me, to pay my bills, to “take care” of me.  Don’t get me wrong… if the option to be married and be a stay-at-home mom arises in my future, it is still my dream job.  However: I need to be able to take care of myself!  I saw a quote somewhere to the effect of: "The trick is to find someone who complements you instead of completes you.  You need to be complete on your own."  That's what I'm working on.  And if it's in the Lord's plan for me to re-marry, he'll come along when the time is right.  For now I'll work on meeting my needs on my own.  

The helplessness that came from my divorce is not something I will go through again.  I gave up so much of myself, my wants, my dreams, my goals, my education, all in hopes of pleasing my husband and making things “stick.”  I know what I want and need from myself better now.  I need an education.  I need to be able to get a job that allows me to be a mom and a breadwinner.  I want to be kind, compassionate, forgiving, strong, brave, and capable. 

I’m a work in progress.  I’m a 31 year-old single mom college student.  I have struggles.  Some days are better than others.  But I love who I’ve become through my challenges.

I’m who I fought to become.