Bombshells

April 15^th, the beloved Tax Day in the U.S., became the day of the Boston Marathon bombing this past year.  I remember hearing about it and thinking about the horror of such an experience.  I’ve never run a full marathon, but I run.  It was pretty scary to think that a scene like that could happen anywhere.  Why did they choose a race?

April 16^th, was the day my life blew to pieces with a bombshell from my husband.  The carnage of the Boston bombing was much different than that of my situation, but I will forever link the two events in my mind. 

This year has been a year of pain, struggle, and grief, but also one of healing, joy, and peace.  I have learned so much… about who I am, what I want out of life, and most importantly, more about the gospel and the Savior and Heavenly Father. 

My divorce (which, by the way, STILL has not been finalized by the court), was a long time in the making.  I struggle with writing about this topic, not because I am ashamed or want to hide things, but because I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I want a record of what it REALLY was like, but I don’t want my kids to one day read it and have my words cause them pain. 

Our marriage had been tough for years.  No matter what I did or tried or didn’t do, I couldn’t make things better.  Toward the end, I honestly thought that if we hadn’t been married in the temple, I wouldn’t want to stick with it.  Things were that bad.  I don’t want to paint my ex as a horrible man.  He does have good qualities.  But there were things that I could not help him with, beliefs that I could not change for him, anger that I could not calm.  I am by no means perfect… that’s not at all what I’m saying.  While we did have many good times, they were fewer and further apart by then. One person cannot be the only one fighting to fix things. 

That brought us to this day, one year ago.  It started out like any other.  It happened to be payday, so I was doing grocery shopping while he and Mason were home.  I came home to drop some things off before heading back out, but never did get around to finishing the shopping.  We had an argument.  Maybe he was waiting for just such a moment… I don’t know.  The words of “Here’s a bombshell for you…” changed my life.  The “shared” beliefs, the marriage covenants made in the temple, were no longer in the picture.  As simple as that, he did not believe the gospel of Jesus Christ to be true, and had not for most of our marriage.  My one reason of remaining had crumbled to the ground, there in our front yard with the freshly dug weeds and mowed grass.

But even after all of that, the decision to get a divorce was not a rash or easy decision.  For a full five days I thought of almost nothing else (somehow my kids were fed… hmmm…), studying the scriptures, praying, and attending the temple.  I received my answer, even though others may not make the same decision.  The decision to divorce was not simple, but it has proved to be the correct choice for my kids and myself.  I have seen many instances in my life to confirm that my choice was the right one. 

One year later I am happy.  There is still so much uncertainty to life.  I don’t know how I’ll manage to work and being a single mom, when that time comes, but for now I’m focusing on school.  I don’t know if I’ll remarry.  I certainly hope that I will have that chance, but now isn’t the time to worry about that.  This time is a time for healing and finding myself again.  I’m reminded of a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants, given to Joseph Smith as he was held in Liberty Jail:

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

My experience is nowhere near that dire!  Some days I may have felt that way, but in truth it was not as bad as the jaws of hell opening for me.  However, this EXPERIENCE, has been for my good.  I have come closer to my Savior.  I have learned to TRUST in the Lord.  I have learned more clearly how to receive answers to prayer.  It is often in our darkest times that we grow the most.  If only we could be more open to learning when we are prospering, right!?!?! 

I still have a long way to go, but I’m thankful for where I am today compared to one year ago.  Not that I want to go through another experience like this, but I’m glad for the good that has come of it.