None Were With Him

Easter Sunday, and I stayed home from church with a cough and almost no voice.  Teaching Sunday School would have been difficult with a scratchy, sore voice, so thankfully the Bishop's wife (who teaches the class younger than mine) was willing to take my class today.

As I scrolled through Facebook before the kids and my parents got home from church, I saw many messages about Easter.  The video entitled "Because of Him" is an awesome one, and was posted by many people.  However, a friend also posted this talk from 5 years ago, by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.  I always enjoy his talks, but this one included a little "a-ha" moment for me.  The video is 18 minutes long, but definitely worth the watching.  

Quoting from his talk, Elder Holland talks about the Resurrection...

"I speak of those final moments for which Jesus must have been prepared intellectually and physically but which He may not have fully anticipated emotionally and spiritually- that concluding descent into the paralyzing despair of divine withdrawal when He cries in ultimate loneliness, 'My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?'. . .

Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ's mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering.  Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence.  It was required, indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind- us, all of us- would feel when we did commit such sins.  For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone."

There is more to the conclusion of Elder Holland's talk, but this part particularly stood out to me.  While I have known that Christ's Atonement, his suffering, was not just for our sins, bur for all our pains, struggles, battles, addictions, and so on, the part where Christ calls out, feeling utterly alone, was not without purpose.  While Heavenly Father will never leave us, we can and sometimes do leave Him.  Christ KNOWS how we feel when we think we are alone, when we have taken the wrong path, when we don't have the Spirit with us.  He has felt it!  Even though He never did anything to make Himself unworthy of having the Spirit with Him, He finished His path of suffering and the Atonement for us... each and every one of us.  

If you can spare the 18 minutes, watch the video with an open heart and you will know the truthfulness of Elder Holland's words.  What a blessing to live in a day where we again have guidance from the Lord's servants.  

I love the little "a-ha" moments.

Bombshells

April 15^th, the beloved Tax Day in the U.S., became the day of the Boston Marathon bombing this past year.  I remember hearing about it and thinking about the horror of such an experience.  I’ve never run a full marathon, but I run.  It was pretty scary to think that a scene like that could happen anywhere.  Why did they choose a race?

April 16^th, was the day my life blew to pieces with a bombshell from my husband.  The carnage of the Boston bombing was much different than that of my situation, but I will forever link the two events in my mind. 

This year has been a year of pain, struggle, and grief, but also one of healing, joy, and peace.  I have learned so much… about who I am, what I want out of life, and most importantly, more about the gospel and the Savior and Heavenly Father. 

My divorce (which, by the way, STILL has not been finalized by the court), was a long time in the making.  I struggle with writing about this topic, not because I am ashamed or want to hide things, but because I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I want a record of what it REALLY was like, but I don’t want my kids to one day read it and have my words cause them pain. 

Our marriage had been tough for years.  No matter what I did or tried or didn’t do, I couldn’t make things better.  Toward the end, I honestly thought that if we hadn’t been married in the temple, I wouldn’t want to stick with it.  Things were that bad.  I don’t want to paint my ex as a horrible man.  He does have good qualities.  But there were things that I could not help him with, beliefs that I could not change for him, anger that I could not calm.  I am by no means perfect… that’s not at all what I’m saying.  While we did have many good times, they were fewer and further apart by then. One person cannot be the only one fighting to fix things. 

That brought us to this day, one year ago.  It started out like any other.  It happened to be payday, so I was doing grocery shopping while he and Mason were home.  I came home to drop some things off before heading back out, but never did get around to finishing the shopping.  We had an argument.  Maybe he was waiting for just such a moment… I don’t know.  The words of “Here’s a bombshell for you…” changed my life.  The “shared” beliefs, the marriage covenants made in the temple, were no longer in the picture.  As simple as that, he did not believe the gospel of Jesus Christ to be true, and had not for most of our marriage.  My one reason of remaining had crumbled to the ground, there in our front yard with the freshly dug weeds and mowed grass.

But even after all of that, the decision to get a divorce was not a rash or easy decision.  For a full five days I thought of almost nothing else (somehow my kids were fed… hmmm…), studying the scriptures, praying, and attending the temple.  I received my answer, even though others may not make the same decision.  The decision to divorce was not simple, but it has proved to be the correct choice for my kids and myself.  I have seen many instances in my life to confirm that my choice was the right one. 

One year later I am happy.  There is still so much uncertainty to life.  I don’t know how I’ll manage to work and being a single mom, when that time comes, but for now I’m focusing on school.  I don’t know if I’ll remarry.  I certainly hope that I will have that chance, but now isn’t the time to worry about that.  This time is a time for healing and finding myself again.  I’m reminded of a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants, given to Joseph Smith as he was held in Liberty Jail:

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

My experience is nowhere near that dire!  Some days I may have felt that way, but in truth it was not as bad as the jaws of hell opening for me.  However, this EXPERIENCE, has been for my good.  I have come closer to my Savior.  I have learned to TRUST in the Lord.  I have learned more clearly how to receive answers to prayer.  It is often in our darkest times that we grow the most.  If only we could be more open to learning when we are prospering, right!?!?! 

I still have a long way to go, but I’m thankful for where I am today compared to one year ago.  Not that I want to go through another experience like this, but I’m glad for the good that has come of it.

#BecauseofHim

Because of Him, I can be a better daughter. 

There’s a photo challenge I found, thanks to an instagraming friend, Lavinia.  With Easter coming up, I’m doing the “Because of Him” challenge.  Today’s topic is above.

In the past I have found some photo challenges that I thought I would do, but then I always missed the first day.  That OBVIOUSLY meant that I couldn’t start it, right?  This challenge is different, and requires more thinking.  I look forward to reflecting on how Jesus Christ has played a role in my life in very specific ways.

Daughter…

I like to think I’m a good one!  Just ask my parents… I was the angel child. ;)  But how has Christ made me a better daughter?

I’m nowhere near perfect, and obviously have a long way to go for that, but I can try to follow the example of our brother, being obedient, humble, and teachable, etc.  As I have learned lessons as parent, I can see the opposite of how I should behave, as a child.  I am a child to my earthly parents, as well as Heavenly parents.  I hope to be a daughter of which my parents can say they are “well pleased.”

 

Photo from the amazing Justin Hackworth's "30 Strangers Project"
Check him out here.

Mom and Dad- they have truly been my lifeline.  I’ve actually thought a lot about that lately.  As the three of us attended the temple last week, I realized how blessed I am to have a relationship where we are so close.  We WANT to spend time together.  We WANT to take vacations together.  We WANT to hear about each other’s days.  Heavenly Father blessed me beyond measure with my family.  And because of Christ’s atonement, we can be a family for eternity.

Want to know more about the topic?  Visit www.mormon.org/becauseofhim.

From the Embers

Embers.

Have you ever watched a campfire burn down?  There is a beauty that comes with the end of the flames.  The embers, charred and rough on the outside, hide the fire that burns within.  You may get a peek at the flame as the fire settles and shifts.  What had been an inferno, painful to the logs, has died down, turning the once stout and strong wood to ash and embers. 

Embers.

They have the power to start a new fire if fanned correctly. 

Embers.

That is what I have found in my life. 

Last September, at the Relief Society session of General Conference, a talk was given by Linda S. Reeves, the second counselor in the Relief Society Presidency.  It was entitled, “Claim the Blessings of Your Covenants,” and you can read it (or watch) here.  This message resonated in my life.  I was going through a divorce after more than 11 years of marriage.  My life had changed drastically from the plan I had seen for myself.  There I sat, a single mom, struggling to make sense of where I had gone wrong. 

Sister Reeves talked of the old Tabernacle in Provo, Utah where fire had gutted the interior in 2010, but only 10 months later was announced by President Monson to be built into a new temple.  Because I cannot say it as well as she, here is an excerpt:

“Its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and Church members. Many wondered, “Why did the Lord let this happen? Surely He could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction.”

Ten months later, during the October 2011 general conference, there was an audible gasp when President Thomas S. Monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple—a house of the Lord! Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple—a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants.

My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally.

In Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4, the Lord tells us:

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

“For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory.”

Sisters, I testify that the Lord has a plan for each of our lives. Nothing that happens is a shock or a surprise to Him. He is all-knowing and all-loving. He is eager to help us, to comfort us, and to ease our pain as we rely on the power of the Atonement and honor our covenants. The trials and tribulation that we experience may be the very things that guide us to come unto Him and cling to our covenants so that we might return to His presence and receive all that the Father hath.”

As I sat in tears, attempting to not become a soggy, mascara-streaked mess, I knew that the Lord had plans for me.  This painful gutting of my life that had left me questioning what lay in store, was not a punishment, but an opportunity for growth.  I have potential!  I had watched as my life burned to the ground, but I could not see the design of our loving Heavenly Father for my life.  This I know: the Lord knows me and He has a plan for me.  I truly do feel closer to our loving God than I did before my life went up in flames.  For this, especially, I am thankful.

I still don’t know the plans in store for me.  But from those embers, glowing and smoldering from the gutting of my old life, my Heavenly Father will turn my tabernacle into a glorious temple.  I will fan those embers to burn away what is unneeded or unnecessary in my life.  I will by no means be perfect!  At least, not on my own I won’t.  It’s a process, and some days are better than others.  But, for me, I will work to look past the rough and charred outward appearance of the life I knew.  The glowing within the embers will be my focus; the beauty after the pain.