Field Trip and a Card

A couple weeks ago I went with the 2nd Grade on their field trip to the Natural History Museum.  I seriously debated driving myself instead of riding the school bus with everyone else, but I knew that Aubrey was excited for me to go with her.  The last time I went on a field trip where buses were involved was her kindergarten field trip to the L.A. Zoo.  I drove myself, and she literally bawled her eyes out because I wasn't on the bus with her.  To her credit, the crying did make it so she could go in the car with me.  

Anyway... I rode the bus.  Two hours, each way, on a school bus is not my idea of fun, but I did it anyway.  Because there were so many parents who volunteered to chaperone, I only had three girls in my group, one of them being Aubrey.  One was Hailey, and the other was Riley, her newest best friend.  We had about 4 hours to explore, eat lunch, and basically do whatever we wanted at the museum.  It was fun, but surprisingly tiring.  I'm thankful that I got to go with Aubrey, since she had been talking about it for MONTHS in advance.  I may not always be able to go on field trips, so it was an opportunity I took, even though it wasn't how I could have spent my day.

This chart is something we saw back when we went as a family a couple years ago.  I don't have that photo on this computer, so I'll have to add it when I do.  I can't believe my 8 year-old is already over 4 1/2 feet tall.  She's going to pass me up before I know it.

~~~

This year I didn't have any idea what the kids did in school for Mother's Day preparation.  I've either previously seen or heard about their projects in past years, so this was a nice change.  Even though my Mother's Day was not an amazing one this year, the cards from the kids were the highlight of my day.

I don't actually have a picture of Aubrey's card, but it had a poem about her fingerprints and how she's growing up.  Along the top there was a heart that she had used her fingertips to dot out "Mom."  Cute and sweet.

Mason's card was an interview type card with info about me (according to him).  It's always fun to see what answers they come up with.

He got my age right: 31.  The rest is all really good to know about myself!  I like to clean the house, and I am an expert Macaroni and Cheese maker.  Nevermind that I can actually cook things that are much more complicated!  My favorite food is hot dogs.  Good to know.  My favorite line is that I am really good at boxing.  He was either being his normal hilarious self, or Mason got that from my working out at home.  I'm hoping he's seeing it as good habits from me, though "boxing" is not typically my workout.  We like to go to the park, and he loves me tucking him in at night.

And this is a picture of the picture inside the card.  What a cute kid.

Finality and Me

"I love the person I’ve become, because I fought hard to become her."

I am not the same person I was 12 years ago. 

Looking back, I see some of my mistakes, my missteps, and the faults in some of my logic.  And while I wish I could have avoided some of the pain, I wouldn’t be the same person today if I hadn’t gone through certain things.

Those challenges helped shape me.

~~~

The day I have waited for arrived this past week.

I didn't know it until Saturday afternoon.

Monday May 12, 2014 is when my divorce was officially final.  The one signature from a judge was completed, and with it the year of "waiting" was done.  I found out 5 days later... this past Saturday.  

Saturday was a day like any other Saturday... laundry, cleaning, finishing homework, getting my Sunday School lesson finalized... really exciting stuff.  The day before I had gone to the temple with my mom.  I always love my time spent there; it makes me so happy.  As I continue to seek for guidance in my life, I prayed for some answer on this paperwork... ANY kind of answer... has it really been submitted... is there another snag... I just wanted some feedback.  Little did I know that I was already divorced!  When I got the mail on Saturday afternoon, I saw the envelope from my lawyer.  I just figured it was some paperwork I had asked about.  Nope!  It was the actual finalized divorce decree.  I was more than shocked that it actually was done!

I was so excited I was practically bouncing.  And yet, the kids were the only ones home with me.  I couldn't show them my excitement over the end of my marriage to their dad.  Even though they understand the divorce (at least, as best as they can for their ages), I don't want to encourage poor feelings because of my own excitement.  So I texted a couple close friends (I had to tell someone) and waited for my parents to come home from work and the temple.  I was officially divorced/single. 

I celebrated with a trip to Wal-Mart and a McDonald's ice cream cone.

Yes, I'm a major party animal.  Now you know.

By Sunday evening, my euphoria had turned toward melancholy.  I do not regret my choices, I'm happier than I have been in years, I have peace in my life... but...  My reality of not being in limbo, not being tied to paperwork and questions and stress, hit me.  My situation was solidified in my mind.  I HAVE NO REGRETS.  But here I am, a single mom without a college degree, and few marketable skills.  I was supposed to be a stay-at-home mom.  I was supposed to have a husband who loved and supported me, in more ways than financially.  My situation is not what I had hoped for when I was getting married at the ripe-old-age of 19.  My options AT THIS VERY MOMENT are limited.  I cannot afford to live on my own, even though I would like to.  I don't qualify for the type of job that I am after.  This was not in my plans.  But however limited my options are right now, looking down the line, my options are wide open!

This year has been a process for me.  I did not go back to the person I was before I got married.  I don’t want to go back to the 19 year-old version of Emily.  Divorce sucks.  Period.  But I’m so much more sure of who I am, what I want, and how to be ME than I ever have been. 

At 19 I was anxious to “grow-up,” to be married, to get my life moving.  Looking back from my perspective now, I realize I wasn’t looking to grow-up in the sense of taking care of myself.  I was looking to grow-up in the sense of being married and moving out of my parent’s house (not that it was a bad place to live!). 

The 31 year-old version of Emily… that is still very much a work in progress… wants to be married again.  But I’m not looking for someone to “rescue” me, to pay my bills, to “take care” of me.  Don’t get me wrong… if the option to be married and be a stay-at-home mom arises in my future, it is still my dream job.  However: I need to be able to take care of myself!  I saw a quote somewhere to the effect of: "The trick is to find someone who complements you instead of completes you.  You need to be complete on your own."  That's what I'm working on.  And if it's in the Lord's plan for me to re-marry, he'll come along when the time is right.  For now I'll work on meeting my needs on my own.  

The helplessness that came from my divorce is not something I will go through again.  I gave up so much of myself, my wants, my dreams, my goals, my education, all in hopes of pleasing my husband and making things “stick.”  I know what I want and need from myself better now.  I need an education.  I need to be able to get a job that allows me to be a mom and a breadwinner.  I want to be kind, compassionate, forgiving, strong, brave, and capable. 

I’m a work in progress.  I’m a 31 year-old single mom college student.  I have struggles.  Some days are better than others.  But I love who I’ve become through my challenges.

I’m who I fought to become. 

Somebody Turn Off the Spigot, Please

Today was an especially hard day for me.

Mother's Day.

How is that so tough for someone who has two great kids (if I do say so myself)?

It's been a tough day for multiple reasons.

1.  I'm sick.  I've been blessed to get sick very rarely as of late.  A couple weeks ago I had a cough/no voice, which then turned into a lingering head cold, but other than that, I've been healthy.  Today I feel plain gross.  I'm achy, my stomach hurts, etc.  Being sick sucks.

2.  It's my first Mother's Day "alone."  I put that in quotes because I know that I'm really not alone, but it can feel that way.  Last year my marriage was already done, but the paperwork hadn't been filed yet, and he wasn't even in town because his dad had been in a bad car accident.  I do not diminish the blessing of being a mom.  I know there are many women who long to be a mother, and for various reasons do not have their own children.  I love my kids beyond words, and am thankful to be their mom.

But... I woke up today thinking, "It's Mother's Day.  How is today any different than any other day of the week?"  I still had to get my kids up, feed them breakfast, get their church clothes, make sure they brushed their teeth, went to the bathroom, got dressed, had shoes, had their hair done, etc., etc., etc.  And that's all before 8:30!  (Which is late compared to a school day)

Yes, I did get two wonderful cards, handmade by the little hands that I made.  I love them.  But it's still hard.  It's a different hard than not having children when you desperately want them.  Just because it's different, doesn't mean it isn't hard.

3.  My grandma died this past week.

Maybe the stress of that contributed to the sickness of today, but it has been a busy, crazy week, and I haven't really taken the time to let it set in.  Tonight everything snowballed together and the waterworks started.  And they won't stop!  Seriously, somebody needs to turn off the spigot to my tear ducts.  All of these different emotions, physical pain, and stress has made for a less than amazing day.

Yes, I am grateful to be a mother.  Yes, I have an amazing mother (who is also one of my best friends)!

Today was rough.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I'm Still Here

Ahhh!  It's been a while since I've posted anything.  I knew this would happen!  I will get back to posting more regularly, but in the meantime here are a few things happening in our world:

• Spring Semester through BYU-I (which really goes to almost the end of July, so I don't know why it's called Spring)
• More course-work for said semester
• A quick one day trip to Disneyland before our passes are blocked out for summer
• Me chaperoning a 2nd Grade field trip to the Natural History Museum
• Trying to find time to fit in workouts
• Finishing my application (with requisite ecclesiastical endorsements) for Fall semester
• A Lead Student assignment for the Institute course this week
• Another Lead Student assignment for the dreaded Math course in two weeks
• Cutting Kindergarten help-out time down to just reading groups one day a week
• Piano lessons for Aubrey
• Sunday School lessons (which I am trying REALLY hard to finish before Saturday night... which is not working out so well right now)
• Trying to stay in touch with friends
• Laundry
• Cleaning
• Feeding of the wild animals... or children... whatever you like to call them
• Generally keeping the peace
• And this: My grandma passed away on Tuesday night

Grandma, who lived three houses down, fell about two months ago, breaking her hip, pelvis, elbow, and wrist.  She made it through surgery and was in a convalescent hospital.  Due to some issues with medication and her overall dislike of discomfort (not that any of us like discomfort, but she REALLY didn't like it), her condition deteriorated to where she wasn't getting out of bed often, and she eventually stopped eating.  Although we knew it was coming, it's still a lot to deal with.  Thankfully we have the gospel, and know that there is more after this life.  

So yeah... life is a bit crazy right now.  But overall, life is good.  

None Were With Him

Easter Sunday, and I stayed home from church with a cough and almost no voice.  Teaching Sunday School would have been difficult with a scratchy, sore voice, so thankfully the Bishop's wife (who teaches the class younger than mine) was willing to take my class today.

As I scrolled through Facebook before the kids and my parents got home from church, I saw many messages about Easter.  The video entitled "Because of Him" is an awesome one, and was posted by many people.  However, a friend also posted this talk from 5 years ago, by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.  I always enjoy his talks, but this one included a little "a-ha" moment for me.  The video is 18 minutes long, but definitely worth the watching.  

Quoting from his talk, Elder Holland talks about the Resurrection...

"I speak of those final moments for which Jesus must have been prepared intellectually and physically but which He may not have fully anticipated emotionally and spiritually- that concluding descent into the paralyzing despair of divine withdrawal when He cries in ultimate loneliness, 'My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?'. . .

Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ's mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering.  Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence.  It was required, indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind- us, all of us- would feel when we did commit such sins.  For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone."

There is more to the conclusion of Elder Holland's talk, but this part particularly stood out to me.  While I have known that Christ's Atonement, his suffering, was not just for our sins, bur for all our pains, struggles, battles, addictions, and so on, the part where Christ calls out, feeling utterly alone, was not without purpose.  While Heavenly Father will never leave us, we can and sometimes do leave Him.  Christ KNOWS how we feel when we think we are alone, when we have taken the wrong path, when we don't have the Spirit with us.  He has felt it!  Even though He never did anything to make Himself unworthy of having the Spirit with Him, He finished His path of suffering and the Atonement for us... each and every one of us.  

If you can spare the 18 minutes, watch the video with an open heart and you will know the truthfulness of Elder Holland's words.  What a blessing to live in a day where we again have guidance from the Lord's servants.  

I love the little "a-ha" moments.

Bombshells

April 15^th, the beloved Tax Day in the U.S., became the day of the Boston Marathon bombing this past year.  I remember hearing about it and thinking about the horror of such an experience.  I’ve never run a full marathon, but I run.  It was pretty scary to think that a scene like that could happen anywhere.  Why did they choose a race?

April 16^th, was the day my life blew to pieces with a bombshell from my husband.  The carnage of the Boston bombing was much different than that of my situation, but I will forever link the two events in my mind. 

This year has been a year of pain, struggle, and grief, but also one of healing, joy, and peace.  I have learned so much… about who I am, what I want out of life, and most importantly, more about the gospel and the Savior and Heavenly Father. 

My divorce (which, by the way, STILL has not been finalized by the court), was a long time in the making.  I struggle with writing about this topic, not because I am ashamed or want to hide things, but because I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I want a record of what it REALLY was like, but I don’t want my kids to one day read it and have my words cause them pain. 

Our marriage had been tough for years.  No matter what I did or tried or didn’t do, I couldn’t make things better.  Toward the end, I honestly thought that if we hadn’t been married in the temple, I wouldn’t want to stick with it.  Things were that bad.  I don’t want to paint my ex as a horrible man.  He does have good qualities.  But there were things that I could not help him with, beliefs that I could not change for him, anger that I could not calm.  I am by no means perfect… that’s not at all what I’m saying.  While we did have many good times, they were fewer and further apart by then. One person cannot be the only one fighting to fix things. 

That brought us to this day, one year ago.  It started out like any other.  It happened to be payday, so I was doing grocery shopping while he and Mason were home.  I came home to drop some things off before heading back out, but never did get around to finishing the shopping.  We had an argument.  Maybe he was waiting for just such a moment… I don’t know.  The words of “Here’s a bombshell for you…” changed my life.  The “shared” beliefs, the marriage covenants made in the temple, were no longer in the picture.  As simple as that, he did not believe the gospel of Jesus Christ to be true, and had not for most of our marriage.  My one reason of remaining had crumbled to the ground, there in our front yard with the freshly dug weeds and mowed grass.

But even after all of that, the decision to get a divorce was not a rash or easy decision.  For a full five days I thought of almost nothing else (somehow my kids were fed… hmmm…), studying the scriptures, praying, and attending the temple.  I received my answer, even though others may not make the same decision.  The decision to divorce was not simple, but it has proved to be the correct choice for my kids and myself.  I have seen many instances in my life to confirm that my choice was the right one. 

One year later I am happy.  There is still so much uncertainty to life.  I don’t know how I’ll manage to work and being a single mom, when that time comes, but for now I’m focusing on school.  I don’t know if I’ll remarry.  I certainly hope that I will have that chance, but now isn’t the time to worry about that.  This time is a time for healing and finding myself again.  I’m reminded of a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants, given to Joseph Smith as he was held in Liberty Jail:

"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)

My experience is nowhere near that dire!  Some days I may have felt that way, but in truth it was not as bad as the jaws of hell opening for me.  However, this EXPERIENCE, has been for my good.  I have come closer to my Savior.  I have learned to TRUST in the Lord.  I have learned more clearly how to receive answers to prayer.  It is often in our darkest times that we grow the most.  If only we could be more open to learning when we are prospering, right!?!?! 

I still have a long way to go, but I’m thankful for where I am today compared to one year ago.  Not that I want to go through another experience like this, but I’m glad for the good that has come of it.

#BecauseofHim

Because of Him, I can be a better daughter. 

There’s a photo challenge I found, thanks to an instagraming friend, Lavinia.  With Easter coming up, I’m doing the “Because of Him” challenge.  Today’s topic is above.

In the past I have found some photo challenges that I thought I would do, but then I always missed the first day.  That OBVIOUSLY meant that I couldn’t start it, right?  This challenge is different, and requires more thinking.  I look forward to reflecting on how Jesus Christ has played a role in my life in very specific ways.

Daughter…

I like to think I’m a good one!  Just ask my parents… I was the angel child. ;)  But how has Christ made me a better daughter?

I’m nowhere near perfect, and obviously have a long way to go for that, but I can try to follow the example of our brother, being obedient, humble, and teachable, etc.  As I have learned lessons as parent, I can see the opposite of how I should behave, as a child.  I am a child to my earthly parents, as well as Heavenly parents.  I hope to be a daughter of which my parents can say they are “well pleased.”

 

Photo from the amazing Justin Hackworth's "30 Strangers Project"
Check him out here.

Mom and Dad- they have truly been my lifeline.  I’ve actually thought a lot about that lately.  As the three of us attended the temple last week, I realized how blessed I am to have a relationship where we are so close.  We WANT to spend time together.  We WANT to take vacations together.  We WANT to hear about each other’s days.  Heavenly Father blessed me beyond measure with my family.  And because of Christ’s atonement, we can be a family for eternity.

Want to know more about the topic?  Visit www.mormon.org/becauseofhim.

The Fix (Days 1-5)

April 1st started the 21 Day Fix for me and my parents.  No, it wasn't an April Fool's joke... although by the end of the night I did feel tricked.

www.beachbodycoach.com/emilynavarro

The 21 Day Fix is a new Beachbody program that focuses on nutrition.  You still exercise!  With each program you get an eating guide that includes some recipes, etc.  However, this program makes clean eating SO MUCH EASIER!

Clean eating... what is it?  That was one of my questions.  I've known for quite some time that to get past this plateau of where I have been for years, I would need to change my eating habits.  But there is so much information out there.  I hate counting calories.  I've done Weight Watcher's many times, and it's always worked, but I felt like I needed something else.  Enter 21 Day Fix.

When I first heard about it, I was kind of like, "Cool.  I don't think it's for me, but it's a great idea."  Then I changed my mind and decided to order it.  Because of the HUGE response to the program, I, even as a coach, had to pre-order back in February, and finally got it toward the end of March.  As I looked through the program guide I began to understand what it means to eat clean.

You are given containers that correspond to servings of things like fruits, veggies, protein, etc.  Depending on your caloric needs, you are then given a set amount of each container.  BUT YOU GET TO PICK WHICH FOODS YOU PUT IN THEM!  That was huge for me.  As I've said before, I'm not the most adventurous of eaters, so many recipes that come from workout guides are not appealing to me.  Each colored container has a corresponding list of options, with which you either fill the container or eat a specific amount (try fitting a 2 corn tortillas or an ear of corn in a container!).  And that's basically it!  Each day you eat the correct, unprocessed, healthy foods that you choose.  You also exercise daily, but that's a given with any weight loss/exercise program.  21 Day Fix does come with set 30 minute workouts, but I've also been running, or doing a different program.

Day 1 was, honestly, rough.  I've had really bad eating habits lately, and I know that, but by the end of the night I was so full it was uncomfortable.  When I weighed myself on Day 2, I was up 1.4 pounds!  That wasn't how this was supposed to go!  But I've been figuring out how to eat smaller, more frequent meals, how to make better choices, and how to fit in over a gallon of water a day.  Did you know that you should drink as many ounces of water as half your weight?  I knew that, but never followed through with the knowledge. This morning, Day 5, I am back down, 1.2 pounds from my Day 1 weight.  It's working!

I find that eating clean takes much more planning and preparation, but I feel better.  I have to plan my day around meal times so I am not tempted to eat drive-thru food.  I also get hungrier much more often.  While the foods are filling, evidently my metabolism has finally kicked in, which makes me hungry.  I'm just so excited to be learning what I should be eating.  The calories in a donut do not equal the calories in eggs and turkey bacon.  While I have logically known the types of food I should be consuming, the application had escaped me.  The whole "ratio" thing, counting calories, and other ways was too difficult for me.  I'm a visual learner, so seeing the containers, having a list of foods I can eat, and knowing how much to eat has been an eye-opener.

And, no, this is not a paid advertisement!  While I am a Beachbody Coach, I'm just honestly so excited about this program, because it makes this easy.  I can't wait to see where I am at Day 21, and even beyond.  The 21 Day Fix will definitely give me the tools to incorporate clean eating into my every day life.  More updates to come...