The Hills are Alive (with the sound of music)

I've never actually seen The Sound of Music.  True Story.

Music is universal to mankind.  It has the power to touch a soul, make a mind think, and the eyes to tear.  Music can be fun, loud, quiet, contemplative, emotional, touching, and so many other things.  I love that music can be an answer to prayers, as well as help us understand ourselves better.

There's a quote, I'm not sure from whom, but it's to the effect that when we are happy, we enjoy music.  When we are sad, we understand the words.  This past year I have found truth in that statement.  As I struggle with certain areas, or find joy in others, I often hear a song that perfectly expresses what I am feeling.  Music has been a balm to my heart and mind, sometimes making me cry from pain, other times making me cry from understanding.  

So, basically, music makes me cry.

But, really... I have found an incredible amount of understanding, through music, in my life as of late.  Have you ever realized how many songs there are about the end of relationships?  Some are poignant, missing-what-you-had kind of songs.  Yet, others are good-riddance-I-don't-know-why-I-was-with-you-for-so-long songs.  I have to say, I learned something from both types.  

This past year I have fallen in love with a plethora of tunes, for many reasons.  

I have learned that these Bones can pick themselves up and be Stonger (What Doesn't Kill You).  I learned to say Goodbye to You, So Much for My Happy Ending.  Sometimes a change Starts With Goodbye, and there can be Good in Goodbye.  We all have Bruises, but I can be Brave.  This is my time to Breathe, and Catch My Breath.  When a Heart Breaks you can feel like there is no one to Listen.  I can Roar, and say at some point that I Proved You Wrong.  Maybe eventually I will find someone who will make me feel Wanted, and Treasure me.  Until then, I will be Happy, and have the Best Day of My Life.  It Won't Be Like This for Long.  I'll stop Wasting All These Tears and focus on the Good Times.

There are songs for every mood, every emotion, every love, every pain.  Although I don't play any instruments (the few years (?) I took piano lessons don't count), music is important in my life.  I run with music playing in my ears.  I get ready in the morning with music going.  I listen to Aubrey practice piano (she can hardly walk past the piano without stopping to play a few notes).  I have had prayers answered through music.  Music can add so much to our lives.

Yes, we need to be careful about the music we listen to.  As a side note- have you had the experience of listening to a song you used to love, or maybe something you listened to growing up, and you suddenly realize what the song is about?  And it's not good!  I guess it's a good thing that I didn't recognize some of the messages in popular music when I was younger.  I heard a song on the radio recently by someone I enjoy a few songs from, and when I realized what it was about, and how blatant it was, I was kind of appalled.  Maybe I'm getting old, or the world is just moving so quickly to being desensitized, but it was crazy!  So, yes, music can have a negative effect on us as well.  But music is a gift!  One I am so thankful for.

Excuse me while I go rock out and pay some bills.

Crisp Chocolate Cookies

Tuesday starts Day 1 of the 21 Day Fix for me.  I'm really excited.  I have a bad habit of eating junk, even though I know WHAT I should be eating.  The best part of the 21 Day Fix, is that it's EASY!  I think that's why so many, especially me, struggle.  The whole ratio of carbs to protein, etc. can get confusing, fast.  It's not so much the WHAT, for me, it's the HOW MUCH.  And I don't like counting calories.  Anyway...  So in light of this, I'm going to share a recipe!  And what recipe better, than one for cookies?!?!  Better share it before I start eating clean.  

This is one of our family's favorite cookie recipes.  Aubrey, especially, loves them (but she loves anything chocolate... the darker the better).  They're a nice change from chocolate chip, every once in a while.

Crisp Chocolate Cookies

2 1/2 cups flour

2 cups sugar

2/3 cup cocoa

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup butter

2 eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla

Chopped nuts or coconut (optional)

Blend together to form dough.  Add nuts here or save to sprinkle on before baking.  Shape dough into 2 or more rolls.  Wrap in waxed paper and chill (you want a firm dough).  Then cut into 1/4" slices.  Place on cookie sheet.  Bake at 375 for 8 to 10 minutes.  Do not over bake (they're better a little soft in the center).  Makes 7 dozen.  DOUGH MAY BE FROZEN.

Hands

You know one of the things I love the most? No? Don't worry, I'll tell you!

I love when I'm walking along, maybe at a store, maybe Disneyland, maybe even across the street to get the mail, and I stretch out my hand, just a little behind me, and my kids reach out and grasp it. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

I have always wanted to be a mom, but being a single mom was not on my radar. I just didn't think that would be my life. There are some very difficult days as a single parent. But there are difficult days when you're not a single parent, too! Being a parent is hard! Plain and simple, it just is. But it's also the most rewarding thing, too. 

I feel like I've come a long way in the past year. One year ago I wouldn't have wanted to take my kids to a fast food restaurant by myself, let alone an amusement park or a movie theater. Today I am comfortable doing all those things, and so much more. You learn to work with what you've been given. Although, I guess there are people who don't want to adapt. While I may feel sorry for myself sometimes, I think it's better to just deal with things... get it done.

For me, the hardest parts of being a single parent are homework and hygiene related. It's always the same battles each morning before school, and then again at bedtime. It may be the 723rd time I've told the kids to brush their teeth, or the 14th time I've reminded them to put on their jackets, or the one-billionth time I've told Mason to "do your homework!"  The hardest part is not the act of getting these things done... it's the frustration I feel with myself, with the kids, and with my ex-husband. 

Frustration. 

I would have used the word "anger" even just a few months ago. But that's another story. I get frustrated that I don't get a break from being the one to stay on top of homework and such, and yet I'm supposed to go out and find a job(???) at the same time as maintaining a steady home life for my kids. I get frustrated that progress reports say things like, "Needs to find an appropriate time to socialize." I just get frustrated. Thankfully, that is not everyday. Thankfully, I do have parents that can help alleviate a bit of the stress and will watch the kids so I can go to school. Thankfully, we have hands.

When we're walking along and their hands fill mine, it makes the frustrations worth every moment of struggle. Each little squeeze is a silent "I love you" just between me and whichever child of mine it was to do the squeezing. Those little hands that I must teach to be kind, gentle, and patient, fit so perfectly into my own. I'll gladly take the frustrations when it means I get to be their mom. I'll work through my issues and try to be an example to my beautiful babies. I will hold their hands as long as they will let me, because they were meant to be held by mine. Their hands fit perfectly in my hands, just like their amazing spirits fit perfectly in my heart.

'M' to the 'E'

I have so many ideas of things I want to write about.  I am an indecisive person.  It takes me a long time to settle on something, but once I do, I’m committed.  Soup or tacos for dinner?  Ummm… soup.  On it.  Divorce?  Finally decided… get it done.  Red or black shoes?  Both, thank you very much. 

So let’s start at the beginning.  Who am I?

It was a dark and stormy night…  Not really.  I have no idea what kind of night it was, or if it was even night when I was born.  I’m thinking I’ve heard it was somewhere around 8:00 p.m., so we’ll go with that.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  While I was not born in California,  I have lived here since I was 1 ½, so I don’t remember anything else.  If I could live anywhere, I think I’d like Hawaii.  Not that I have traveled many places, but I have been there, and loved it.  My biggest consideration whenever I talk about settling on a place to put down roots is this: How close is it to a temple?  While I can currently attend the temple anytime I can arrange for the kids to be picked up from school, put to bed, or whatever the case may be, I would ideally like to be much closer to a temple. 

I am the youngest of four kids, but I’m not spoiled.  (Don’t ask anyone else, though.  They may say differently.)  While we may not see each other as often as we’d like, I love my siblings and am grateful to be part of this particular family. 

I grew up in the same house from the time I was 2 ½ years old until the time I got married.  From the 6^th grade on I was homeschooled.  My family had some issues with the local High School, so I was given the choice to stay in school while two of my older siblings started homeschooling.  As a twelve-year-old, the most rational of thinkers, I’m sure, I decided to start homeschooling because I didn’t want to miss out on all the free time.  But it paid off.  I started attending classes at the local community college at the age of 13.  That is where I found my love of art and painting.  Through that “free-time” I was able to graduate high school at 16. 

I was hired for my first job at 15, working in the computer graphics lab at the same college where I was taking various classes.  I then started working at In-N-Out Burger, which is something I did for the better part of 7 years, with a break in there to be a nanny to twins for a short time after I was married.

Speaking of marriage… At the ripe old age of 19 I married my now (or soon to be, as soon as it gets finalized in the court) ex-husband.  He was in the Marines, stationed at Camp Pendleton.  Being a military wife was hard in ways, but also a great experience.  The love of country on a military base is something I will never forget. 

After getting out of the military we moved back close to family, and after four years of marriage we welcomed our daughter.  Even after being a nanny for twins, I still hoped to have my own twins.  Then came Aubrey.  “One is enough.”  That was our mantra.  My goodness, she came with a learning curve!  But she was worth it.  Aubrey is now eight, and is smart, loving, kind, an amazing big sister, and quite the leader (sometimes we also call that bossy).  One day those leadership skills are going to pay off big for her. 

2 ½ years later Mason joined us.  Now 5, he is my little monkey.  Full of energy and spunk, Mason will try to charm you out of whatever he wants.  He is also hilarious, and will do anything to get a laugh.  I’m pretty sure he will grow up to be either a famous comedian, a negotiator of some sort, or a custodian.  Really, though, this kid has always loved cleaning tools.  Somehow the art of keeping a clean room is lost on this particular five-year-old, though.  Go figure.

So that’s my past in a nutshell.  Today I live with my parents… something I was kind of proud to say I had never needed to do as a grown child.  However, I actually love living with them, and so do my kids.  They have been an enormous support for us as we transition to our new normal.  I’m attending BYU-Idaho online, working toward my Bachelor’s in Web Design & Development.  While I had various career ideas when younger, including artist, coroner (yes, you read that right), and graphic designer, my goal was always to be a stay-at-home mom.  That plan has changed, just as life does, but my goal is to find some job that I can do mostly from home, so that I can still be around for my kids. 

There it is… me.  What else do you need to know?  My favorite color is red.  I love chocolate.  I am blessed to have amazing friends.  I am not too picky of an eater, but I’m definitely not adventurous either.  I’m an Apple girl… no other brand of computer/phone in my purse or on my desktop.  I’ve run 5 half-marathons, but am not a fast runner.  I love bargain shopping.  I’d rather read a book than watch TV.   I teach the 16-17 year-old Sunday School class, and I LOVE it.  I sometimes sleep sideways across my king-size bed.  I love shoes.   And a million other things!  There is too much information to fit into one post…  That’s the last thing… I have no shortage of words.  ;)

From the Embers

Embers.

Have you ever watched a campfire burn down?  There is a beauty that comes with the end of the flames.  The embers, charred and rough on the outside, hide the fire that burns within.  You may get a peek at the flame as the fire settles and shifts.  What had been an inferno, painful to the logs, has died down, turning the once stout and strong wood to ash and embers. 

Embers.

They have the power to start a new fire if fanned correctly. 

Embers.

That is what I have found in my life. 

Last September, at the Relief Society session of General Conference, a talk was given by Linda S. Reeves, the second counselor in the Relief Society Presidency.  It was entitled, “Claim the Blessings of Your Covenants,” and you can read it (or watch) here.  This message resonated in my life.  I was going through a divorce after more than 11 years of marriage.  My life had changed drastically from the plan I had seen for myself.  There I sat, a single mom, struggling to make sense of where I had gone wrong. 

Sister Reeves talked of the old Tabernacle in Provo, Utah where fire had gutted the interior in 2010, but only 10 months later was announced by President Monson to be built into a new temple.  Because I cannot say it as well as she, here is an excerpt:

“Its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and Church members. Many wondered, “Why did the Lord let this happen? Surely He could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction.”

Ten months later, during the October 2011 general conference, there was an audible gasp when President Thomas S. Monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple—a house of the Lord! Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple—a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants.

My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally.

In Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4, the Lord tells us:

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

“For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory.”

Sisters, I testify that the Lord has a plan for each of our lives. Nothing that happens is a shock or a surprise to Him. He is all-knowing and all-loving. He is eager to help us, to comfort us, and to ease our pain as we rely on the power of the Atonement and honor our covenants. The trials and tribulation that we experience may be the very things that guide us to come unto Him and cling to our covenants so that we might return to His presence and receive all that the Father hath.”

As I sat in tears, attempting to not become a soggy, mascara-streaked mess, I knew that the Lord had plans for me.  This painful gutting of my life that had left me questioning what lay in store, was not a punishment, but an opportunity for growth.  I have potential!  I had watched as my life burned to the ground, but I could not see the design of our loving Heavenly Father for my life.  This I know: the Lord knows me and He has a plan for me.  I truly do feel closer to our loving God than I did before my life went up in flames.  For this, especially, I am thankful.

I still don’t know the plans in store for me.  But from those embers, glowing and smoldering from the gutting of my old life, my Heavenly Father will turn my tabernacle into a glorious temple.  I will fan those embers to burn away what is unneeded or unnecessary in my life.  I will by no means be perfect!  At least, not on my own I won’t.  It’s a process, and some days are better than others.  But, for me, I will work to look past the rough and charred outward appearance of the life I knew.  The glowing within the embers will be my focus; the beauty after the pain.

Hot Bloggity-Blog!

Welcome! 

This blog is my new adventure.  It will be a little bit of everything.  I enjoy writing, as long as it’s not for an assignment, so hopefully you will enjoy reading what I have to say!  (You may find that I love to use exclamation points)  I hope to share a little bit of me, who I am, and what I find to be true.  I am a mom, a daughter, an artist, a student, a reader, a runner, a Beachbody Coach, and the life of the party.  Well, I guess that last part depends on whom you’re asking. 

I LOVE spending time with friends and family and love laughing.  Life is better when you can laugh about it.  This is a glass-half-full kind of blog, since I’m a glass-half-full kind of girl.  I truly believe two of the greatest words are “At Least.”  Things may be tough, but there is always an “at least” in every situation. 

My hope is that through sharing my experiences I can help someone else.  Not that my life is something for everyone to aspire to, but maybe someone will recognize a little bit of themselves in me.  You may not want to know much about me, but if you stick around, that’ll probably be what you get!