Hands

You know one of the things I love the most? No? Don't worry, I'll tell you!

I love when I'm walking along, maybe at a store, maybe Disneyland, maybe even across the street to get the mail, and I stretch out my hand, just a little behind me, and my kids reach out and grasp it. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

I have always wanted to be a mom, but being a single mom was not on my radar. I just didn't think that would be my life. There are some very difficult days as a single parent. But there are difficult days when you're not a single parent, too! Being a parent is hard! Plain and simple, it just is. But it's also the most rewarding thing, too. 

I feel like I've come a long way in the past year. One year ago I wouldn't have wanted to take my kids to a fast food restaurant by myself, let alone an amusement park or a movie theater. Today I am comfortable doing all those things, and so much more. You learn to work with what you've been given. Although, I guess there are people who don't want to adapt. While I may feel sorry for myself sometimes, I think it's better to just deal with things... get it done.

For me, the hardest parts of being a single parent are homework and hygiene related. It's always the same battles each morning before school, and then again at bedtime. It may be the 723rd time I've told the kids to brush their teeth, or the 14th time I've reminded them to put on their jackets, or the one-billionth time I've told Mason to "do your homework!"  The hardest part is not the act of getting these things done... it's the frustration I feel with myself, with the kids, and with my ex-husband. 

Frustration. 

I would have used the word "anger" even just a few months ago. But that's another story. I get frustrated that I don't get a break from being the one to stay on top of homework and such, and yet I'm supposed to go out and find a job(???) at the same time as maintaining a steady home life for my kids. I get frustrated that progress reports say things like, "Needs to find an appropriate time to socialize." I just get frustrated. Thankfully, that is not everyday. Thankfully, I do have parents that can help alleviate a bit of the stress and will watch the kids so I can go to school. Thankfully, we have hands.

When we're walking along and their hands fill mine, it makes the frustrations worth every moment of struggle. Each little squeeze is a silent "I love you" just between me and whichever child of mine it was to do the squeezing. Those little hands that I must teach to be kind, gentle, and patient, fit so perfectly into my own. I'll gladly take the frustrations when it means I get to be their mom. I'll work through my issues and try to be an example to my beautiful babies. I will hold their hands as long as they will let me, because they were meant to be held by mine. Their hands fit perfectly in my hands, just like their amazing spirits fit perfectly in my heart.