Field Trip and a Card

A couple weeks ago I went with the 2nd Grade on their field trip to the Natural History Museum.  I seriously debated driving myself instead of riding the school bus with everyone else, but I knew that Aubrey was excited for me to go with her.  The last time I went on a field trip where buses were involved was her kindergarten field trip to the L.A. Zoo.  I drove myself, and she literally bawled her eyes out because I wasn't on the bus with her.  To her credit, the crying did make it so she could go in the car with me.  

Anyway... I rode the bus.  Two hours, each way, on a school bus is not my idea of fun, but I did it anyway.  Because there were so many parents who volunteered to chaperone, I only had three girls in my group, one of them being Aubrey.  One was Hailey, and the other was Riley, her newest best friend.  We had about 4 hours to explore, eat lunch, and basically do whatever we wanted at the museum.  It was fun, but surprisingly tiring.  I'm thankful that I got to go with Aubrey, since she had been talking about it for MONTHS in advance.  I may not always be able to go on field trips, so it was an opportunity I took, even though it wasn't how I could have spent my day.

This chart is something we saw back when we went as a family a couple years ago.  I don't have that photo on this computer, so I'll have to add it when I do.  I can't believe my 8 year-old is already over 4 1/2 feet tall.  She's going to pass me up before I know it.

~~~

This year I didn't have any idea what the kids did in school for Mother's Day preparation.  I've either previously seen or heard about their projects in past years, so this was a nice change.  Even though my Mother's Day was not an amazing one this year, the cards from the kids were the highlight of my day.

I don't actually have a picture of Aubrey's card, but it had a poem about her fingerprints and how she's growing up.  Along the top there was a heart that she had used her fingertips to dot out "Mom."  Cute and sweet.

Mason's card was an interview type card with info about me (according to him).  It's always fun to see what answers they come up with.

He got my age right: 31.  The rest is all really good to know about myself!  I like to clean the house, and I am an expert Macaroni and Cheese maker.  Nevermind that I can actually cook things that are much more complicated!  My favorite food is hot dogs.  Good to know.  My favorite line is that I am really good at boxing.  He was either being his normal hilarious self, or Mason got that from my working out at home.  I'm hoping he's seeing it as good habits from me, though "boxing" is not typically my workout.  We like to go to the park, and he loves me tucking him in at night.

And this is a picture of the picture inside the card.  What a cute kid.

Finality and Me

"I love the person I’ve become, because I fought hard to become her."

I am not the same person I was 12 years ago. 

Looking back, I see some of my mistakes, my missteps, and the faults in some of my logic.  And while I wish I could have avoided some of the pain, I wouldn’t be the same person today if I hadn’t gone through certain things.

Those challenges helped shape me.

~~~

The day I have waited for arrived this past week.

I didn't know it until Saturday afternoon.

Monday May 12, 2014 is when my divorce was officially final.  The one signature from a judge was completed, and with it the year of "waiting" was done.  I found out 5 days later... this past Saturday.  

Saturday was a day like any other Saturday... laundry, cleaning, finishing homework, getting my Sunday School lesson finalized... really exciting stuff.  The day before I had gone to the temple with my mom.  I always love my time spent there; it makes me so happy.  As I continue to seek for guidance in my life, I prayed for some answer on this paperwork... ANY kind of answer... has it really been submitted... is there another snag... I just wanted some feedback.  Little did I know that I was already divorced!  When I got the mail on Saturday afternoon, I saw the envelope from my lawyer.  I just figured it was some paperwork I had asked about.  Nope!  It was the actual finalized divorce decree.  I was more than shocked that it actually was done!

I was so excited I was practically bouncing.  And yet, the kids were the only ones home with me.  I couldn't show them my excitement over the end of my marriage to their dad.  Even though they understand the divorce (at least, as best as they can for their ages), I don't want to encourage poor feelings because of my own excitement.  So I texted a couple close friends (I had to tell someone) and waited for my parents to come home from work and the temple.  I was officially divorced/single. 

I celebrated with a trip to Wal-Mart and a McDonald's ice cream cone.

Yes, I'm a major party animal.  Now you know.

By Sunday evening, my euphoria had turned toward melancholy.  I do not regret my choices, I'm happier than I have been in years, I have peace in my life... but...  My reality of not being in limbo, not being tied to paperwork and questions and stress, hit me.  My situation was solidified in my mind.  I HAVE NO REGRETS.  But here I am, a single mom without a college degree, and few marketable skills.  I was supposed to be a stay-at-home mom.  I was supposed to have a husband who loved and supported me, in more ways than financially.  My situation is not what I had hoped for when I was getting married at the ripe-old-age of 19.  My options AT THIS VERY MOMENT are limited.  I cannot afford to live on my own, even though I would like to.  I don't qualify for the type of job that I am after.  This was not in my plans.  But however limited my options are right now, looking down the line, my options are wide open!

This year has been a process for me.  I did not go back to the person I was before I got married.  I don’t want to go back to the 19 year-old version of Emily.  Divorce sucks.  Period.  But I’m so much more sure of who I am, what I want, and how to be ME than I ever have been. 

At 19 I was anxious to “grow-up,” to be married, to get my life moving.  Looking back from my perspective now, I realize I wasn’t looking to grow-up in the sense of taking care of myself.  I was looking to grow-up in the sense of being married and moving out of my parent’s house (not that it was a bad place to live!). 

The 31 year-old version of Emily… that is still very much a work in progress… wants to be married again.  But I’m not looking for someone to “rescue” me, to pay my bills, to “take care” of me.  Don’t get me wrong… if the option to be married and be a stay-at-home mom arises in my future, it is still my dream job.  However: I need to be able to take care of myself!  I saw a quote somewhere to the effect of: "The trick is to find someone who complements you instead of completes you.  You need to be complete on your own."  That's what I'm working on.  And if it's in the Lord's plan for me to re-marry, he'll come along when the time is right.  For now I'll work on meeting my needs on my own.  

The helplessness that came from my divorce is not something I will go through again.  I gave up so much of myself, my wants, my dreams, my goals, my education, all in hopes of pleasing my husband and making things “stick.”  I know what I want and need from myself better now.  I need an education.  I need to be able to get a job that allows me to be a mom and a breadwinner.  I want to be kind, compassionate, forgiving, strong, brave, and capable. 

I’m a work in progress.  I’m a 31 year-old single mom college student.  I have struggles.  Some days are better than others.  But I love who I’ve become through my challenges.

I’m who I fought to become. 

Somebody Turn Off the Spigot, Please

Today was an especially hard day for me.

Mother's Day.

How is that so tough for someone who has two great kids (if I do say so myself)?

It's been a tough day for multiple reasons.

1.  I'm sick.  I've been blessed to get sick very rarely as of late.  A couple weeks ago I had a cough/no voice, which then turned into a lingering head cold, but other than that, I've been healthy.  Today I feel plain gross.  I'm achy, my stomach hurts, etc.  Being sick sucks.

2.  It's my first Mother's Day "alone."  I put that in quotes because I know that I'm really not alone, but it can feel that way.  Last year my marriage was already done, but the paperwork hadn't been filed yet, and he wasn't even in town because his dad had been in a bad car accident.  I do not diminish the blessing of being a mom.  I know there are many women who long to be a mother, and for various reasons do not have their own children.  I love my kids beyond words, and am thankful to be their mom.

But... I woke up today thinking, "It's Mother's Day.  How is today any different than any other day of the week?"  I still had to get my kids up, feed them breakfast, get their church clothes, make sure they brushed their teeth, went to the bathroom, got dressed, had shoes, had their hair done, etc., etc., etc.  And that's all before 8:30!  (Which is late compared to a school day)

Yes, I did get two wonderful cards, handmade by the little hands that I made.  I love them.  But it's still hard.  It's a different hard than not having children when you desperately want them.  Just because it's different, doesn't mean it isn't hard.

3.  My grandma died this past week.

Maybe the stress of that contributed to the sickness of today, but it has been a busy, crazy week, and I haven't really taken the time to let it set in.  Tonight everything snowballed together and the waterworks started.  And they won't stop!  Seriously, somebody needs to turn off the spigot to my tear ducts.  All of these different emotions, physical pain, and stress has made for a less than amazing day.

Yes, I am grateful to be a mother.  Yes, I have an amazing mother (who is also one of my best friends)!

Today was rough.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I'm Still Here

Ahhh!  It's been a while since I've posted anything.  I knew this would happen!  I will get back to posting more regularly, but in the meantime here are a few things happening in our world:

• Spring Semester through BYU-I (which really goes to almost the end of July, so I don't know why it's called Spring)
• More course-work for said semester
• A quick one day trip to Disneyland before our passes are blocked out for summer
• Me chaperoning a 2nd Grade field trip to the Natural History Museum
• Trying to find time to fit in workouts
• Finishing my application (with requisite ecclesiastical endorsements) for Fall semester
• A Lead Student assignment for the Institute course this week
• Another Lead Student assignment for the dreaded Math course in two weeks
• Cutting Kindergarten help-out time down to just reading groups one day a week
• Piano lessons for Aubrey
• Sunday School lessons (which I am trying REALLY hard to finish before Saturday night... which is not working out so well right now)
• Trying to stay in touch with friends
• Laundry
• Cleaning
• Feeding of the wild animals... or children... whatever you like to call them
• Generally keeping the peace
• And this: My grandma passed away on Tuesday night

Grandma, who lived three houses down, fell about two months ago, breaking her hip, pelvis, elbow, and wrist.  She made it through surgery and was in a convalescent hospital.  Due to some issues with medication and her overall dislike of discomfort (not that any of us like discomfort, but she REALLY didn't like it), her condition deteriorated to where she wasn't getting out of bed often, and she eventually stopped eating.  Although we knew it was coming, it's still a lot to deal with.  Thankfully we have the gospel, and know that there is more after this life.  

So yeah... life is a bit crazy right now.  But overall, life is good.